Co-parenting is rarely simple. But when one parent is controlling, even the smallest things — like having a private conversation with your child — can become a battleground. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for nine years, and I had full custody of our son for all that time. Our co-parenting arrangement only changed recently, when I moved out of state two years ago for my husband's job opportunity. So this isn't a "fresh wound" for him, yet he's still acting bitter and vengeful, taking it out on me by controlling my communication and privacy with my son. Since the shift in custody, my 11-year-old son has been subjected to restrictive and unreasonable "rules" at his dad’s house when it comes to communicating with me on the phone: no closed doors, no private rooms, no earbuds during FaceTime calls, non-FaceTime calls forced onto speakerphone. On top of that, the home is usually loud and chaotic, filled with background noise, screaming, and constant interruptions. But when my son visits me, the atmosphere is entirely different. Here, he has peace. He has a room. He can close the door. He can enjoy quiet. He can relax and talk without fear of someone listening in. That contrast is where the heart of this struggle lies.
The Double Standard of Privacy
What frustrates me most is the double standard. When my son is with me, he is allowed full privacy while speaking to them — closed doors, uninterrupted space, quiet time. Yet when it comes to my conversations with him at his dad’s house, that same courtesy is denied.
It’s not just about me. It’s about my son's right to have private conversations, especially with his mother.
Children need a sense of autonomy and privacy. It’s how they build trust in themselves and in their relationships.
When privacy is stripped away, kids can feel silenced. They may hold back their feelings or censor themselves out of fear of who might be listening.
My Discomfort Matters Too
While my son's right to privacy is critical, my own comfort matters as well. Having my calls overheard by people who have caused me years of hurt — my narcissistic ex, who clearly thrives on control and dominance — leaves me feeling exposed, violated, and scrutinized (for more on navigating life with a narcissist, see my article Understanding the Overt Narcissist: A Guide to Clarity and Detachment).
It’s not about speaking badly about them - I never do. Because of our tumultuous history, I make it a point to stay neutral and even try to encourage my son's relationship with them, in a positive way.
What I want is the same basic respect any parent deserves: the ability to speak to my child without feeling like outsiders are eavesdropping - listening in on our conversations about school, our weekend plans, our family, or simply the parts of my life I want to share only with him.
I'm extremely uncomfortable with people in his household knowing my personal business or twisting my words - something that has happened often in the past. I’m treated as if I've committed a crime — even though I haven't - while, ironically, the true violations of respect come from the other side. It's a clear example of projection. It feels targeting, isolating, and oppressive, which takes a toll on my mental health. In this toxic dynamic, privacy isn't just a preference - it's a necessity for my well-being.
Court Won't Solve Everything
Going back to court over this issue would be futile. Even during hearings before I moved, I raised the issue that my ex-husband doesn’t allow private phone calls with my son. In court, he simply lied — claiming that I always speak to my son with the door closed in a calm, quiet space. An absolute falsehood. And if I were to take him back to court now, he could simply cite his “house rules,” which no one can alter. No matter how earnest or detailed my concerns, the outcome is unlikely to change. He can always deny or misrepresent the situation, and the court has limited ability to enforce meaningful changes in the home environment. Pursuing it further would require significant time, energy, and money — and ultimately, it wouldn’t guarantee the privacy my son and I need.
A Breakthrough Moment
During a recent call, while my son was visiting my parents’ house on their scheduled time, something shifted. Away from the noise and constant interruptions of his dad’s home, my son finally felt safe enough to open up.
He shared frustrations, worries, and feelings that he usually keeps bottled up. For the first time in a while, I could see how much he needed that private outlet. And while I can’t control what happens in his dad’s house, I realized I can still work with my son to make the best of the situation.
Actively Finding Solutions Together
Since then, we’ve been brainstorming ways to protect our time and give us both more privacy while also setting boundaries to keep our conversations healthy:
• Texting more often when calls aren’t possible – This provides flexibility and avoids trying to talk during chaotic moments.
• Going outside to call if the weather permits – A quieter, less distracting environment can help him feel more comfortable.
• Picking quieter times of day when things feel less hectic – Scheduling around daily noise or busy routines helps the conversation flow.
• Waiting until he’s at my parents’ house to call – When he’s somewhere calmer, he can share more openly without interruptions.
These steps not only give my son a safe space to talk, but also help me maintain my own boundaries.
Listening is often more powerful than fixing. Kids need to feel heard, and then they can move forward.
By balancing his need to express himself with my need to protect my own emotional space, we create a supportive dynamic that works for both of us.
Becoming a Safe Space
Because my son doesn’t have that safe space at his dad’s, he often uses his time with me to release what he’s been holding in. Sometimes it’s small frustrations about his half-siblings. Other times, it’s venting about his stepmom’s disrespectful behavior towards him or the overall toxic dynamics in their house.
It's painful to hear my child say he's struggling in that environment - especially when he shares that his stepmom curses at him, seems happier when he's away, or plays favorites with his half-brothers who, according to my son, have major behavioral issues. The most painful part is realizing that, without undeniable evidence of negligence or abuse, my hands are tied. As a mother, of course I wish he could have a safe, supportive, and healthy relationship with everyone in that household - both for his well-being and for my own peace of mind.
At first, I worried: was I encouraging negativity? Was I letting myself get pulled into drama I couldn’t control?
But I realized that what my son needed wasn’t a solution. It was validation.
I began approaching it this way:
• Validate: “I hear you. That must feel frustrating.”
• Reassure: “You’re not in trouble. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
• Redirect: “Things will get better. Let’s move on and talk about something good.”
This way, he knows he can tell me how he feels, but we don’t dwell on it so long that it consumes our time together.
Navigating Mixed Messages
In divorced homes, children sometimes try to play both sides or say what they think each parent wants to hear. Their accounts may be true, exaggerated, or even completely false at time. But as a parent, my responsibility isn't to police the accuracy of every word. It's to listen, validate, and provide a safe space for my child to feel heard and understood.
By doing so, I acknowledge his feelings without judgement, even if the story is messy, complicated, or difficult to hear. After validating, we move forward, focusing on connection, support, and positivity rather than dwelling on disputes or trying to determine who's "right" or "wrong". This approach helps him feel safe to share honestly, and it helps me maintain my own emotional boundaries.
Children need to feel that they can express themselves openly and safely, without fear of judgement or reprisal.
Why Privacy Matters So Much
This isn’t just about parenting styles. It’s about emotional development. Privacy teaches children that they have ownership of their inner world — their thoughts, their voice, their identity.
When children feel constantly monitored, they may develop anxiety or suppression of self-expression. Privacy gives them the confidence to be honest and authentic.
That’s why, even if I can’t control what happens at my son's dad’s house, I can control what happens in mine. My responsibility is to make sure that, at least here, my son knows he has the freedom to speak openly and privately.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting with a relentless ex often means you can’t change the "rules" in their home. But you can change the rules in yours.
For me, that means giving my son what he can’t always have elsewhere:
• A closed door.
• A quiet room.
• A safe space where he can be himself without fear.
And just as importantly, it means honoring my own boundaries, refusing to allow a toxic dynamic to invade the safe space I’ve worked so hard to create.
In the end, privacy isn’t just about closing a door - it’s about opening a safe space where your child’s voice can be heard, and where both parent and child can finally breath.